PolyWolf in a wintry forest

PolyWolf's Blog

This World Is Not Real

Published

Trigger warning for depression. This text contains some of my worst thoughts so please don't read if you're at risk/otherwise aren't ready1. If you would like to look at the images without the associated text, see This World Is Not Real (textless) instead. You won't be missing out on anything :))

For a long time, you've suspected this world is not real.



various office building cubicles, as viewed from above & outside the building. slight imperfections in the glass make each yellow-LED-lit office seem warped, despite the perfectly straight grid of window borders.
various office building cubicles, as viewed from above & outside the building. slight imperfections in the glass make each yellow-LED-lit office seem warped, despite the perfectly straight grid of window borders.



Not in the "identical trenchcoat-wearing agents teleport you behind a green film filter" sense, or a "moving movie set captures your daily life" sense, or a "timeline split placed you in the wrong universe" sense, or even a "every so often the human race is wiped out, quickly cloned from scratch from a bunker under Yellowstone, then imprinted with memories all at the same time; it happened last Thursday" sense, but something even more visceral than all those combined.



an office building looks normal from the outside, but as soon as the glass rounds the corner & stop reflecting the exterior, you can see the interior glow a deep yellow.
an office building looks normal from the outside, but as soon as the glass rounds the corner & stop reflecting the exterior, you can see the interior glow a deep yellow.



You wake up in your bed that's not real and put some not-real clothes on your not-real body then brush your teeth which aren't real before eating some breakfast which isn't all that filling because it's not real then you check the clock and you would be late for work if time was real but it's not and neither is the door and neither is the sidewalk and neither is the car that you're driving and neither are the other cars in traffic or the traffic lights or the asphalt or the sound of the air through the engine bouncing off concrete panels, vibrating through tiny gaps in a steel-rubber-glass window interface, funneling into your amplifying sound receptacles where a snail-shaped organ with delicate hairs does a mechanical frequency analysis and sends the results as electrical signals to the empty void inside you head: there's nothing there because none of that intricately-described process was real, it was all made up, just like the job you're going to, which has about the same impact as sitting around all day doing nothing, because your work isn't real, the economy isn't real, society isn't real, and you, certainly, without a shred that could possibly be doubted even if shreds & doubt were real, aren't real.



looking up at a building emerging from the dark, only its lights visible, shining so bright they saturate all primary hues to form a brilliant white, causing wavy streaks in-line with the angle you're looking at it. it's like a spaceship, or a futuristic prison.
looking up at a building emerging from the dark, only its lights visible, shining so bright they saturate all primary hues to form a brilliant white, causing wavy streaks in-line with the angle you're looking at it. it's like a spaceship, or a futuristic prison.



THERE IS ONLY SO



three buildings loom in the night, each corrupted in their own way, standing over the light from the streets below & reaching up toward a light up above, both out-of-frame, crowded out by the full height of the buildings.
three buildings loom in the night, each corrupted in their own way, standing over the light from the streets below & reaching up toward a light up above, both out-of-frame, crowded out by the full height of the buildings.



MUCH YOU CAN TAKE BEFORE YOU



a view of an apartment building with fancy curved windows is broken into unequal quarters, each becoming progressively more blocky, as if your vision is becoming digitally corrupted.
a view of an apartment building with fancy curved windows is broken into unequal quarters, each becoming progressively more blocky, as if your vision is becoming digitally corrupted.



ARE FORCED TO ADMIT



two buildings, colored impossibly pure red, red light leaking out their windows and green tint covering swaths like moss, flank a similarly-red construction site at the foot of a towering green-and-red-lined skyscraper, all its windows nearing pure black. The only lights visible are pure-black ones giving off a yellow halo, with a deep blue sky just barely visible beyond everything.
two buildings, colored impossibly pure red, red light leaking out their windows and green tint covering swaths like moss, flank a similarly-red construction site at the foot of a towering green-and-red-lined skyscraper, all its windows nearing pure black. The only lights visible are pure-black ones giving off a yellow halo, with a deep blue sky just barely visible beyond everything.



NOTHING IN THIS WORLD



on the left of a building, a fairly normal-looking cloud is reflected in its glass. on the shaded side, those same clouds are transformed into rainbow heatmaps. inside the building, some impossibly-glowing pipes are arranged in geometric patterns. everything besides the clouds is crunchy + distorted.
on the left of a building, a fairly normal-looking cloud is reflected in its glass. on the shaded side, those same clouds are transformed into rainbow heatmaps. inside the building, some impossibly-glowing pipes are arranged in geometric patterns. everything besides the clouds is crunchy + distorted.



IS REAL WAS REAL OR WILL BE



an obelisk-shaped building with square windows is viewed at an impossible angle, the sky and a concrete railing cutting similar triangles in its silhouette. the windows themselves are also impossibly-colored, looking like a film negative in parts, and almost-normal in others.
an obelisk-shaped building with square windows is viewed at an impossible angle, the sky and a concrete railing cutting similar triangles in its silhouette. the windows themselves are also impossibly-colored, looking like a film negative in parts, and almost-normal in others.



REAL FOREVERMORE



different windowpanes on a building have been swapped with each other (accounting for perspective distortion) and other parts, like some pipes, metal grill, and a lone tree branch have been cut-and-pasted. everything that resulted from this transformation is intensely saturated, especially compared to the almost-black-and-white rest of scene.
different windowpanes on a building have been swapped with each other (accounting for perspective distortion) and other parts, like some pipes, metal grill, and a lone tree branch have been cut-and-pasted. everything that resulted from this transformation is intensely saturated, especially compared to the almost-black-and-white rest of scene.



You scream and it's not real and you cry and it's not real and the entire remaining gamut of human emotions aren't available to you right now, because they're not real, unreality seeping and dripping and crawling and squirming and pushing and forcing its way into every nook and cranny and crevice and inch and foot and mile of your brain and soul, dying it a deep void nothing that would erode your eyes if you tried to look at it but you can't since your eyes, just like the mirror and the you in the mirror and the you beyond the mirror, aren't real.



One small cyan-and-pink building looks up at another, much larger cyan-and-pink skyscraper, with the latter taking up the vast majority of the view. the colors on each form a gradient, and you can just barely see that there is a corner to the larger building.
One small cyan-and-pink building looks up at another, much larger cyan-and-pink skyscraper, with the latter taking up the vast majority of the view. the colors on each form a gradient, and you can just barely see that there is a corner to the larger building.



Despite all of this, you must continue on in this world. Someday, you hope, with enough effort and just the right tricks, you can make all of it real. It will become real. You shall be real. All you have to do is—

  1. Also don't worry I am doing fine/much better now!! There were some rough spots but I got through them, mostly by hanging out with friends a lot more & acquiring a better job. I felt the need to finish this message anyways, to remind myself of just how far I've come since. ↩

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